Terrified!

Have you ever had symptoms that you didn't want to tell your doctor? I'm scared today. This may be a little TMI, but the bleeding is increasing. I have large clots and went to use the bathroom and the inside of the toilet was covered with splashes of blood. I've never seen that before! I am also getting this weird sensation when I stand up of this tired, weak feeling in my hips and down my legs.

The reasons I don't wanna tell my doctor is 1). He'll push the hysterectomy. I'm still not sure about that. 2). What can he really do about it? I always get the same response when I tell him things...when are we gonna have this surgery? 3). I feel like I'm whining. Others have much worse symptoms that I do. I can get through this.

I'm still scared. I will not let this go for too long though. If I have to, I will call my GYN.

When does it end?

Well today, the bleeding is picking up again. With clots!! I haven't seen a day without bleeding since September 27. I knew this cramping was because of something coming. Damn Depo Provera. I am sooo sick of this. I would like to have some time where I don't have to wear a freaking sanitary product. I would like a day, hell even a half day, with no pain. This isn't fair!!! I don't care what anybody thinks, I feel like having a kicking and screaming tantrum. Except I'm too freaking tired to do it :(. Nobody could possibly understand the drama, trauma, or distress this disease causes, unless the share the diagnosis.

Just felt like venting.

Endo Awareness Apparel

I have begun building a shop for endometriosis/invisible illness awareness. At this point, the shop will sell apparel only. I just couldn't find exactly what I was looking for when looking on the web for endometriosis awareness products. Check out my shop. It's just opened, so look forward to more products in the very near future. I'm not in it to make money, I have a full time job. I just think more people should know about this horrible disease and the fact that there are illnesses that don't change our appearance, yet are just as real and just as debilitating.

http://sugarsdesigns.spreadshirt.com/ 

Beauty Ritual Time!

What I find makes me feel better is taking time for myself. I like to have a beauty ritual day. This time, mine started on yesterday, Friday. It's usually on the weekend, when I have the most free time. But, I started yesterday with an at home manicure. I mean, I did my own, at home gel manicure! It came out pretty. Today will be relaxing and deep conditioning my hair, a facial, and, if I have enough energy, a pedicure.

I realized that if I take time to make myself feel pretty, it goes a long way to making me feel better. Yeah, sometimes it takes more than a beauty ritual weekend. But at those times when exhaustion and depression are my main issues, this is the magic bullet!

So, that's the prescription for this weekend and it's something I'm looking forward to.

Plain and simple...

I am tired! I was able to run a couple of errands and get a homework assignment done. Then, I fizzled out. I was feeling really good today and that excited me because it's my birthday. I am thankful for the few hours of  limited pain and increased energy. Now, my son wants to take me out to a birthday dinner and I'm tired! I don't have the heart to tell him no. So, now I have to muster up some extra energy from some place and go out this evening. Maybe he'll agree to go to a restaurant close by so I won't have to drive so far. : (

A Little Lipstick Helps...Sometimes

I don't feel good today. Sometimes lipstick makes me feel a little better!

There are so many things that I have to do, so many things that I wanna do, and I can't let endometriosis stop me. Endometriosis does not define the person that I am. It's is a part of me, but there are so many more parts that require just as much attention.

It's a diagnosis. It's something that I have to manage. But. I can do it. Things may have to change in my life... greatly. But it doesn't make my life any less meaningful or important.

I sometimes think "why me?". But why not me? God is with me through all of this and the things that I learn through this journey will be used to help another person. So, yes, why not me? If I can help someone who is suffering from the pain, exhaustion, and just plain guilt of not being able to do what she is "supposed" to do, I have served one of my God given purposes. 

The Reality of Endometriosis

My life seems like it has become a series of guilt inducing situations.

 It starts with the fact that I feel like an inadequate employee. Oh, I hear the comments that are made when I am unable to come to work because either I am so exhausted or I am having a pain flare. Those comments hurt me the most because these people really don't understand that I am doing the best I can. They don't know that I wake up some mornings, get out of bed, and stumble... I can barely stand, let alone walk. They don't realize that I am in bed all day; not being lazy and watching TV, but holding a heating pad as tight to my pelvis as possible, to try to take the edge off my pain. They don't know that I sleep a great deal of the day, not because of narcotic pain meds (which I avoid if at all possible), but because that's all my body can do. But I try to smile and keep going like everything is OK.

I also have guilt over the fact that I can no longer make plans. I would love to say yes, I will or yes, I can. It just doesn't work out that way.  Sometimes, if I do say yes, when the day comes, and pain is a constant reality, I have to call and bail out. It makes me seem like an unreliable flake.  That me lately, the unreliable flake. I've accepted it...next!

I'm a student, too. I have missed a few assignments and my GPA is not what is could be. I feel guilty. But, my GPA is still good and I am learning to pace myself. I do assignments when I can concentrate and I have energy. I realize now that in warmer weather, I feel better, but it's going to take extra diligence in cold weather to get assignments done. My pain flares in the cold. Glad I realized that! I have decided to take as many of my classes online during the cold months. I can be warm, at my own desk at home and still working toward my degree.

I am learning to not feel guilty and that this Endo is not my fault. I am learning that there are days when I will have limitations and that I just need to go with the flow. There are days when I need more rest or when the pain will be too much and I can't do anything but take care of myself.  I have to be comfortable with what's going on with my body before I can expect anyone else to be. I know that. And I need not be defensive with people who don't understand, or just don't know what's going on with me. I have to come to terms with my Endo and create the most fulfilling life possible for me.

Exhausted!

I thought I was doing something today! I got up early...for me, and ran to the post office, did some shopping,  and filled the gas tank. Hell! I even polished my nails!!! Cool, I was able to do the little things that I wanted to do this morning. I was even able to come home and begin the monstrous task of organizing my closet. Now, you don't understand. I always say that my closet is a representation of what my like is like. It is a disaster! Dirty laundry on the floor, shoes just thrown here and there, body products squeezed on shelves wherever they can fit. I have been saying for over a year that I was gonna fix that mess. Well today, I was able to put a tiny dent in the mess. I felt so good about myself. Then, all of a sudden, I hit that wall of exhaustion and all I could do was take a nap. I couldn't even hold my eyes open to watch a YouTube beauty video ( my favorite thing to do!)

I am just waking up and by the grace of God, I have an energy spurt. Right now, I've decided to ride the energy wave and get some laundry done. I am cramping some now from carrying the heavy bag down to the laundry room, but in typical me fashion, I'm gonna ignore that until I get it done. Then I guess I'll be wiped out for the rest of the evening. Crap, I still have homework to do! Oh, well. It'll get done... at the last minute. And dinner?... Every man for himself!

Endometriosis, The Life Sucking Monster!!!

Lately, I have been reading a lot of stories from women about their endometriosis journey. I can relate to all of the symptoms that we share and appreciated the ones that we don't.  It's good to know that I am not alone in this. But, I am a little overwhelmed with all of the different ways that endometriosis can affect my life.

My endo monster attacks me on a daily basis. Most of the day, everyday, I have some degree of pain. It seems that  the daily pain is increasing in intensity. I have been given all kinds of anti-inflammatory medication and narcotics to handle the pain. The anti inflammatory medications aren't working and the narcotics make me so sick that I never take them. My remedy for a bad pain flare is usually heat, even though it doesn't completely resolve my pain.

What I am really bothered by is the complete exhaustion that I feel. I call it chronic fatigue because I can never seem to get enough rest. Even on the weekends, when I am just running errands, like grocery shopping, can deplete me of whatever energy I had for that day. I spend a lot of time in bed trying to "catch up" on the rest that I feel like I'm not getting. I haven't had it so bad that I can't lift my head, but I do feel as though I require a mid day nap. Which also means that I won't sleep well that night. It s a vicious cycle, exhaustion, nap, no sleep at bed time, exhaustion, chores, devastating exhaustion, nap...

A new symptom that I am experiencing is abdominal bloating. I noticed that even though I am losing pounds, my pants are still tight around my abdomen. I can tend to look like I am early in a pregnancy on some days. I am having this weird spasm in my abdomen and intermittent diarrhea and constipation. This is making me emotional because while I wouldn't consider myself vain, I do care what I look like in my clothes, and I feel like I look like crap in most outfits. Endo is even lowering my self esteem! 

With all of these things going on, it is becoming hard to maintain a sense of normalcy. I am missing in action from activities that I loved in the past. Events such as the yearly breast cancer walk that I do with my sisters had been put on hold for the past couple of years. I have missed church services a LOT and the weekly Bible studies that I held for the teen girls has been halted. And working... well I have missed so much work that my bank account is screaming right along with my manager! I feel like I am about to get back on track at work and BAM!! I am in bed again with my heating pad. Because I never know what to expect form my body from day to day, I cannot make plans. I know I'm going to get fired. Not only from my job, but from several relationships. 

All of this is taking an emotional toll on me. Yes, I am also depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall mentally, physically, and financially. I fell like I'm letting everyone down. I am now an unreliable person. Also, to me, it seems that people don't believe me because I don't look like a sick person. I cannot take it and now, all I can do is cry, scream, and grab my heating pad!